chalk

i have been thinking about it, vaguely, in the cracks of dim places in my mind- and i don't miss my boyfriend, at all. i love not missing him. i love the completion i have without him, more complete than i was even in that time with him. i love my fearlessness; the unexpected, torrential release of anxiety and panic when he said goodbye. i am calm now. i am happy now, and my happiness comes with no condition whatsoever. i will never allow anyone to dictate my thoughts so entirely as i had allowed him, not ever again.
what i do miss is that devotion that comes with loving a person, that surrender of self-comfort, the giving nature of love. i wish to take care of someone, to fight for their happiness, to serve them in the way God meant for us to serve our other human beings, our families, our enemies. in a way, my boyfriend was my enemy; he wanted things i did not want. but i loved him, anyway, for want of someone who would accept my offered love with greed. it was false and it was short-lived, but for that time anyway, i was devoted.
i think i should be devoted, anyway, to people, and devoted in other ways than the hurtful ways.

i don't care if this is badly written.